Supertankers' Big Hit
 

Words & Photos: Wolter Kuiper

It’s been a difficult few weeks. What with supertankers not getting through the Strait of Hormuz and the cooler weather on this side of the world, I’ve had to make a painful decision I’ve been putting off for many months. By unhappy coincidence, my cherished Ground Effect Supertankers, bought in 2013, just aren’t going to make it through another winter without causing embarrassment, and it’s taken a war in the Middle East to make me accept that fact.

I’ve toyed with other GE baggies over the years, but they just aren’t the same. The marine blue Hydroslides (discontinued) are good in the wet but just don’t feel right the rest of the time, and the zipped thigh pocket is annoying with a phone in it. My Slim Jims look pretty similar to the ’Troopers but they’re more race pants, with little pockets and no belt loops. The stretch nylon hasn’t coped with my lack of bulging calf muscles and required assistance from a second press stud to make them a tighter fit.

I bought another pair of Supertankers two years ago but have barely worn them, saved for a global fuel crisis when GE orders might not get through … not that that would ever happen. I could not believe how much heavier the new ones seemed to be, at 350g. I checked the styling to see if Ernie had been adding a few superfluous features here and there but could not spot any difference.

We rode on together to complete my Five Days, Five Waterways ride in Melbourne and then 70 rail trails around Australia in my 70th year. I always had those baggies from home to wear. Gradually we both got skinnier and wrinklier. My last big trail fairy job along the Merri Creek was the beginning of the end, as the ’Tankers came under intense fire from African box thorn. There were traces of blood, a right-angle tear in the stern and major shrapnel holes in the bow of my Supertankers.

Only Supersonic liners now protected my modesty from prying eyes. Life went on, nobody said anything. There were plenty of other people riding with old Ground Effect gear. Eventually I began to worry about the baggies’ health, tossed them on our incredibly accurate kitchen scales and discovered my ’Tankers were down to 250g … 100g drained away in the warm water and plant-based soap of the washing machine like skin cells in the shower.

I took them east for some farewell rides in state forests, with the lyrics of an old James Taylor song, Fire and Rain, running through my head. “Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone, Suzanne the plans they made put an end to you.” I walked in this morning and I wrote down this review, and I can just remember who to send it to.